Harnessing the Power of New Year’s Novelty with ADHD
“You’re worthy as you are right now, but also, come up with a list of things you want to change about yourself and your life starting next month.” The conflicting messages we get, even from well-meaning support people, about New Year’s resolutions, goals, intentions - whatever you want to call them - are stress-inducing at best and a setup for a shame spiral at worst. That’s why I felt so free after coming across an alternative message on social media this year: “A new year can mean as much or as little as you need it to.” And it got me thinking: what do I need from the new year?
As an ADHDer, the appeal of New Year’s for me has always been novelty. I conceptualize a year as a canvas that I’ve been staring at and painting on for what feels like a lifetime (remember, ADHD brains tend to experience time at an uneven, inconsistent pace and may not be able to reliably tell how much time has passed). So by the 365th day, I’m usually really bored with what I’m painting! What’s more, if you’re a perfectionist as well (and so many of us are), you might’ve been ready to throw your 2022 canvas out and start fresh in like, February.
So now that the universe (and Pope Gregory XIII, creator of our modern calendar - what a guy) has handed us a canvas on which we can paint absolutely anything - though some of us have higher quality supplies (privileges) - of course we feel compelled to create the best picture possible. But wow, that’s a lot of pressure. It might even be difficult to make the first brushstroke, for fear that a mistake will ruin our canvas and we’ll be stuck with it for so long. We ADHDers famously have a lot of great ideas and need the most support in taking action. Novelty itself can help us do that. It gets us out of the mentality that there’s no point; it feels renewing and energizing. But inevitably, by definition, it wears off. This is something that may happen within a day or two for many of us, though some may be able to stretch the excitement of a new goal, task, routine, etc. to a few months. And then it dissipates - now what? Should we let this knowledge keep us from ever getting started? Of course not. Instead, here are some ideas for troubleshooting common barriers to moving toward goals for ADHDers:
Excitement wears off: Return to your “why” and if it still applies, try adding something new (e.g. I wanted to rollerblade more because I spent money on rollerblades and I want to prove to myself that I can stick with something. Maybe if I start going with a friend, try a different route, or spray paint my helmet glittery gold, I can once again access the shiny novelty I had on January 1). If your “why” no longer applies, remember you are not contractually obligated to anybody to keep going! Putting your energy toward something that does matter to you is a kinder thing to do for yourself than striving for something you don’t actually care about.
Unclear or overwhelming steps to the finish line: Just like we often have an easier time breaking down tasks into components (e.g. when “take a shower” is too much, “turn on water, put on music, scrub,” etc. might feel manageable), we can do the same with goals. First, consider whether you’re aiming for something realistic, and if there is room to make it easier, do so. You’re not winning any contests by trying to take on more than you’re capable of. Next, consider what the parts of the goal are. Is it useful to aim to lay the groundwork in January and set the wheels in motion in February? You’re not beholden to using months as a timeline, either. Heck, you don’t even need a timeline if it’s unhelpful. But be mindful of biting off too much at once and planning instead to go one step at a time.
Fear of rejection and criticism: If you’ve ever avoided telling someone what you were working on so that if it didn’t work out, you wouldn’t have to deal with their reactions on top of your own disappointment, this is relevant to you. Many ADHDers are especially prone to rejection sensitivity - that is internalized pain triggered by our perception that others are rejecting or criticizing us. When we set goals, we may think that avoidance of this rejection is a means of holding ourselves accountable, but ultimately, if we seek to do something primarily to avoid a negative outcome rather than because we are intrinsically motivated for the positive outcome, we trade in joy and celebration of success for temporary relief, like outrunning a zombie but knowing you’re going to have to keep running indefinitely. Instead, consider what your values are (others’ approval doesn’t count) and whether your actions are aligned with them. It may be helpful to outline these with a therapist and use the container of therapy as a space to check in about this as you go, rather than feeling beholden to the feedback of random people in your life who can only see the tip of the iceberg.
So back to the big question: what do I need from the new year? Well, its built-in novelty is inherently an opportunity to paint whatever comes to mind on my canvas, so what’s missing is unconditional permission to pursue my goals, even if they shape-shift along the way (and they will). So what if what I need is that permission? What if I can simply choose to give it to myself?
This is where I feel connected to one more flexible and softer new year’s resolution alternative I’ve heard suggested: themes. You know that Pantone color of the year thing? (2023’s is Viva Magenta, by the way). It’s like that - a word or phase that represents what you’re hoping for and what you want the year to look like for you, fully understanding that you only have so much control, and that there are so many different paths to get there. And in setting yourself up with a theme, you are appealing to your natural appetite for something new to chase without setting yourself up on the binary of success/failure or to feel badly about who you are right now. A few examples: permission to rest; connection; authenticity; activism; boundary-setting; creating. Mine is “taking my power unapologetically.” I came up with it after reflecting not on what I’m doing wrong right now but on what I want to be celebrating this time next year. What’s your theme?
