Who’s Driving the Bus?
Ever feel like you see yourself behaving in a way you don't want to, but even tho you see it, you feel like you're only able to sit back and watch it happen? Know that feeling of wanting to do something yet you don't follow thru, even tho not doing it makes you feel guilty, disappointed or frustrated? Why does it feel like we are at war with ourselves sometimes? Are we determined to get in our own way? Or is there something else going on?
We all experience this phenomenon of dual mindedness. In fact, this is the basis of internal family systems therapy (IFS).
Imagine your are a bus driver, going thru life, and as you go along you pick up passengers. These passengers are parts of yourself that develop in response to events and experiences. They develop in order to help us get by and be safe. They are helpers with their own stories, beliefs and goals. Collectively, they are protecting our core authentic Self. These parts aren't bad. They're usually just stuck in one strategy and they just keep doubling down on it, even if that strategy does bring helpful. And when something happens that works them up, they push you out of the driver's seat and they steer the bus. When we are reactive, it is usually a part driving the bus and that is what causes that dual minded dynamic.
Here are some ways this can show up...
A part deeply afraid of failure develops a strategy to procrastinate studying or doing assignments to avoid being judged. It works in the short term but eventually it backfires because without enough time to study, you end up with bad grades. But the part doesn't develop a new game plan. Bad grades reinforce the fear of failure and it wants to avoid even more!
An anxious part develops in response to something unexpected happening that is scary or stressful. In order to avoid being taken by surprise by circumstances again, it goes on to alert, monitoring and worrying about everything so there won't be any surprises. However, being alert doesn't help the anxious part calm down, in fact it just seems to get more and more worried even when nothing has happened.
The good news is, these parts who take over the bus don't want to drive if there is a better option and that better option is a curious, creative, compassionate, connected leader... Self! IFS work focuses on helping parts to trust Self and work together rather than one part procrastinating and another getting very anxious because homework isn't done like an endless tug of war. An IFS therapist can help you connect to your parts, understand what they need and create more harmony, allowing you to choose your behaviors instead of being reactive.
