Realizing I’m Autistic at 35 Years Old

Written By Jamie Roberts

I have been a therapist for 11 years, and most of my work has been with Neurodivergent clients. I always thought “Wow, I just really get these clients.” Little did I know it was more than that. Through my own therapy, a divorce, the pandemic and Tiktok I finally identified the elusive reason why I do things the way I do. I am Autistic. 

There is very little, if any, representation for Female or BIPOC Autistics. Many studies report a ratio of four males to every one female are diagnosed Autistic, yet these studies also have a disparity in the ratio of who is actually included to participate (1. Sohn, 2019).  More current research shows that the gender gap is minimal.  “A review of 1,013 evidence-based practice articles published between 1990-2017 found demographic data in only 25% (Steinbrenner et a.,2022). This review found that 64%of identified participants were White, 9.4% Hispanic, 7.7%Black and 6.4% Asian” (2. Hyde, 2022).  When whole demographics are excluded from the picture of Autism it is no wonder we are misdiagnosed at astounding rates.  Many girls will receive diagnosis of Depression, Anxiety, Bipolar or Borderline Personality Disorder before (if ever) they receive an Autism diagnosis. 

Since I knew I didn’t fit the stereotypical concept of Autism, I sought out the #ActuallyAutistic community.  I began learning from people with lived experience – I followed their TikToks, listened to podcasts, and read the books*. I realized how little the mental health community knows about neurodivergence and all the ways it is pathologized and missed entirely. My new special interest became learning everything I could about Autism and overall neurodivergence.  I’m not kidding… everything, at my birthday party this year I even cornered a dear friend who is a psychologist to discuss assessment practices. 

I had already been doing inner child work so I started the process of reevaluating my childhood through a Neurodivergent lens.

  • The stereotype of male autistic special interests of Legos, trains and dinosaurs didn't fit me…. Then I heard other women talking about fixations on Barbies, Disney and art. I had a Barbie for every occasion: Scuba Barbie, Gymnastics Barbie, Prom Barbie, Mermaid Barbie, Kelly, Stacy and Theresa Barbies too. I would spend more time setting up Barbie’s Dream House for play than I would actually playing with it. 

  • I was always described as a highly emotional child, frequently crying over seemingly small things. I learned to say “just ignore my tears, I can’t control them.” Now I understand those were autistic meltdowns, sensory overwhelm and transition struggles.

  • I was always a perfectionist with school work and followed the rules to a T. In second grade, I did not miss a single math question on homework or tests. In sixth grade, I did every single extra credit assignment even though I had an A in the class. 

  • In middle school I was teased for being a “school girl”…. Until I won “Most Athletic” for the grade. Sports saved me.  Now I understand how playing intense sports was allowing my brain to produce enough dopamine to manage my ADHD. They also taught me social structure, collaboration, and gave me a core group of friends. 

  • I’ve always had friendships, but struggled to keep them, often bouncing from group to group with only surface level connections. Until college, when I finally found other highly intelligent, quirky, perfectionistic women, many of whom have now started their neurodivergent journey. 

  • While I have always identified as an extrovert, I would have near panic attacks before a social gathering. Through unmasking my autism, I am learning I am hyperverbal and overstimulated when I can’t anticipate the social dynamics I am walking into.

  • In college, I studied Psychology to know “why people do the things they do” or rather understand neurotypical behavior.

  • In grad school, I interned for an adolescent psychiatrist specializing in ADHD and Autism and really connected with patients. 

  • I didn’t like working for someone because the rules didn’t make sense or fit the way I work. So I started my own business.  Here at ECS, we set our own schedules based on our own sleep/wake preferences, sensory needs, and individual capacity for case load. We don’t wear shoes, we sit on the floor, and parallel play in therapy is key. 

  • At 31 years old, I was diagnosed with ADHD after experiencing cognitive difficulties and ruling out Thyroid, Narcolepsy and any neurological condition. Was this also Autistic burnout? 

  • In 2020, the pandemic took all of my executive function systems and left me scrambling to create new systems in an entirely new world. The workplace I had always thrived in was unrecognizable.

  • In 2021, the loss of my marriage led to emotional flooding that made it impossible to continue to mask. I couldn’t, so I didn’t. And I found a new version of me. 

As I dove deeper into the Autistic culture I started seeing Autism everywhere and in everyone, I learned Neurodivergent people tend to gravitate to each other without even knowing it!  I finally saw parts of myself in the conversation.  I shared with trusted colleagues, processed with my therapist and even had ND clients identifying me as autistic. I’ll be honest it took me a while to accept the label. I was plagued with imposter syndrome and I didn’t want to take up space in an already marginalized community. But the more I learned the harder it was to deny it.

In seeking more diverse representation, the whole spectrum emerged sharing their lived experience and adding depth to the Autistic conversation. I connected with Non-verbal autistics, people using AAC devices (Augmented and Alternative Communication), with fluctuating support needs, gender variances and versions of myself; a high masking, hyperverbal female Autistic.

There is no question we need more research, more understanding, more representation and more access to accommodations.  I urge the mental health community to question the standards of the DSM and the rigid medical model that does not see so many of us. Given we are not there yet, self assessment is valid and often more accurate, given the level of research most of the Autistic community enjoys. The quicker we can increase acceptance of varying neurotypes, the easier it is for us to heal and grow. 

Since I started working with teens 11 years ago, my guiding quote has been to “become the person I needed when I was younger” (Ayesha Sadiqi.) This is even more true now as I advocate, educate and support Neurodivergent teens so they don’t have to wait until they are 35 to understand their own brain. 

Citation

  1. Sohn, Emily. Righting the Gender Imbalance in Autism Studies. (2019) https://www.spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/righting-gender-imbalance-autism-studies/ 

  2. Hyde, Carly Beth.   University of California, Los Angeles ProQuest Dissertations Publishing,  2022. 29253365.

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Jamie Roberts
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